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When you don’t recognize your friends anymore

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by alderre, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. alderre

    alderre Strat-O-Master

    735
    May 1, 2014
    New Braunfels
    sorry to start a sad thread, but this has been bugging me... a lot.

    Long story short, I grew up with a few friends, one best friend really. Just one, real, genuine best friend.

    I moved away with my family when I was 16 but kept coming back and hanging out, by the time i was 18 we were still the same best friends. Fast forward 20 years.

    I always knew that people inevitably change, with careers and families of our own, but recently we got to see each other again. I talked a bit about my life but mostly about how happy my childhood and younger years were, adventures and memories we had... and he Was totally disinterested.

    Ok, I thought let him talk. But he didn’t have anything to say. Why agree to meet? I thought..

    But then it hit me, his mind is not there, at least not the person I remember. I understand his life took a different path but man, it hurts, and I’m not really sentimental. It just hurts
     

  2. otto6457

    otto6457 Strat-O-Master

    Sorry to hear about your friend. I had a similar experience with my very best friend from high school several years ago. I had not seen him in over 40 years as he joined the Navy right out of high school. He was in town helping his brother who still lives here. His brother and my ex wife worked together and she told me he was in town. I asked if I could stop by and see him and it was all set. I was pretty excited to see him again. We were really close in high school. Both played the drums and lived for music. We were best friends through thick and thin.

    When I walked into the house he was sitting on the couch and didn't bother to get up. He seemed to not even remember me or care that we ever knew each other. I stayed a few minutes but it was obvious it was uncomfortable for everyone so I left. I thought the same thing you did. I guess we went different paths and he just blocked out my existence for some reason.

    It still bothers me that he didn't seem to know me. It hurt because it felt like he chose to not remember me for some reason.

    Not much we can do. Just hope they found some happiness along the way.
     
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  3. alderre

    alderre Strat-O-Master

    735
    May 1, 2014
    New Braunfels
    Maybe this happens to everyone at some point in their lives. I feel kind of pathetic complaining, as if I deserve the friendship... maybe I could have tried harder to be around.

    But it’s done. Past memories are still happy regardless so there’s that.
     
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  4. diogoguitar

    diogoguitar Strat-O-Master

    940
    Feb 2, 2012
    Northwest US
    hmmmm maybe he was having a bad day or must have been through some tough times?

    have you heard the expression that says "you lose your good habits when you're tired"? I think it happens the same when you're mentally distressed.
    Worst case, he really can't recall awesome good memories from you, but maybe he wasn't him that particular day.

    I'd send him an email or something and try to meet again. We never know.
     
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  5. thomquietwolf

    thomquietwolf Most Honored Senior Member Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    76
    Dec 2, 2010
    Peardale CA
    Sorry to hear your story...
    Never had a real friend, so I can't identify...
    But
    Most people have...

    Had an uncle....

    Thank you for sharing
     
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  6. Rudi

    Rudi Senior Stratmaster

    Apr 19, 2016
    Brisvegas
    If he is a real friend, try again.
    People have bad days. You got nothing to lose and good
    friends deserve some effort.
     
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  7. Neil.C

    Neil.C Most Honored Senior Member

    Mar 3, 2012
    Surrey, England
    Found it a few times.

    People change, we're not the same as twenty or more years ago.

    Possibly mainly me, but the past is another country and should stay there.
     
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  8. rolandson

    rolandson Senior Stratmaster

    Yeah, I understand a little about how that goes...

    Almost a year ago I informed someone with whom I had engaged with nearly every week over a chess board for 40+ years, that I was no longer willing to tolerate his abusive drunks.

    This is one whom I had considered a dear friend, who I had been making allowances for because of stresses, albeit self inflicted, that he burdened himself with.

    I offered my help, my love, and my support if he chose to confront his drinking, but I wouldn't offer my companionship until he'd made that effort.

    I shared privately with his wife my willingness to help in any way I can.

    And all I felt was relief. Truth is I had lost my friend to the bottle almost 10 years ago and experienced my grief over most of that..

    I haven't heard from him since.
     
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  9. s5tuart

    s5tuart My Dad used to say.... Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    73
    Aug 8, 2011
    Bedford, UK
    All my friends seem to look old! :eek:

    I said goodbye to an old friend a while ago. We were tearaways in our youth, always fighting with someone, always in trouble but we did everything together. It was an immensely close bond.
    But our annual get togethers only happened because of the past. Our lives had nothing in common with those early days and whenever we met we would only reminisce about the old days because that was the only similarity we had.
    He also had found religion and was trying to "preach" to me and if I was to divulge some of the things we had done, it would seem odd to say the least, especially when we would still laugh about some of our dastardly escapades.

    There are only so many times you can tell the same stories without getting bored, so that's what I told him.
    I apologised and said I would always treasure our old times together but I didn't feel the need to continue meeting up.

    He seemed disappointed but I do think that deep down he was feeling the same as I was.

    That was about 15 years ago and I still have no urge to get back in touch.
     
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  10. fezz parka

    fezz parka R.P.M. (Retired Professional Musician) Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    59
    Apr 21, 2011
    Like Nowheresville, man.
    Well said.

    The past is gone.
    Tomorrow isn't here.
    There is only now. :)
     

  11. Tuica

    Tuica Strat-Talker

    Age:
    65
    231
    Jun 5, 2017
    Portland, Oregon
    Have experienced both extremes. Met friends from many years past, that I can still remember events we shared dating back to 1966! They barely recall our palling around. Have kept up friendships with others that date back to the 1970’s, and are still fresh and ongoing. Have also been reacquainted with girlfriends from that same time period. And that’s a whole different story. All made possible by Facebook
     

  12. Polarbear

    Polarbear Don Poleone Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    25
    Apr 18, 2011
    St Leonards, UK
    Similar reason this song was written. Seems fitting.



    I had a similar upbringing, not many proper friends but had a tight knit of people I hung out with. One dude moved away when we left school in 2009. I've seen him about 10 times since then, don't speak a great deal but when we do phone each other or meet up it's like no time has passed at all.

    He's the only real, genuine friend I've ever had and decided in school that we'd be each other's best men at our weddings. No matter how much time has passed.

    Miss that guy :(. Currently in Thailand living it up.
     
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  13. CaseCandy

    CaseCandy Senior Stratmaster

    May 9, 2015
    UK/Ireland
    Interesting. I've had this twice happen with close friends from school that I connected with again because of this internet thing. I was never interested in starting up the friendship again, but would have enjoyed a catch-up. I'm not really too bothered though.

    On the other hand, some people who I knew but didn't really have a close friendship with are often very up for a catch up. Particularly the ladies who were very stuck up at school are all very friendly and sweet now.

    I guess time changes people and some might have been through some stuff that they don't want to share.
     
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  14. Stormy Monday

    Stormy Monday Approaching the Crossroads Strat-Talk Supporter

    Jan 19, 2011
    red barn, USA
    you know the old saying, you can't go home again.
     
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  15. Boognish

    Boognish Senior Stratmaster

    Jan 31, 2011
    Austin
    I've had the same thing happen to me...recently. Back in January me and my wife agreed to skiing in Colorado with my best friend from back in the day and his girlfriend. Years ago he had gotten on pain meds and was shooting up and all that crap. Me and his family helped him through it and he went to rehab and gotten clean. Turned his life around, lost weight, exercised religiously everyday, rode the MS 150 and completed it (Bicycle ride from Houston to Austin). The first day we are there and it's like old times a bunch of laughing and just B.S'ing each other. Man it was great! The next day, he was completely out of it. I'm 99% positive he is back to shooting up. I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want it to turn in to a fight and ruin me and the wife's vacation. My wife said some things to his girlfriend about how he was out of it and he girlfriend naively thought he was just tired/sleepy. I made my mind up that I was going to call him and talk to him a day or so once vacation was over. He texted the following day after vacation and said he was sorry that my wife was upset but thought since he was on vacation he could cut loose. I explained that I have changed and am a married man now with priorities I didn't want any part of that lifestyle in my life anymore. He was pissed and said he wasn't on anything and how he was sorry we wasted our money. We texted everyday prior to vacation. Haven't heard from him since. It hurts.
     
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  16. RaySachs

    RaySachs Strat-O-Master Silver Member

    Age:
    59
    578
    Jun 25, 2017
    Philly area
    I’m still pretty tight with a handful of childhood friends - high school age anyway (one or two I knew before that). With those guys things are still really easy and natural - when I see them or talk to them it’s like we haven’t missed a beat, like picking up in the middle of an old conversation. I see them occasionally, talk to them a bit more than that, and stay in loose touch through email and Facebook too.

    But I had one really good friend who was part of that group - like best man in his wedding level good friend - who got extremely religious not long after he got married. I think was looking for something and his wife led him there and I guess it worked for him. I have plenty of friends who are more and less religious than I am and it doesn’t get in the way of our friendships. But this guy was in it to a level that he just didn’t want to associate with anyone who wasn’t as devout, and devout in the same sub-denomination of his religion. We naturally and gradually lost touch over the years, as he did with pretty much all of our old friends (many of whom he still lives nearby - I’m a couple thousand miles away). A while back I heard through another friend who still runs into him occasionally that his Dad had died. I spent a lot of time in his home growing up and really got along great with his Dad - liked him a lot (his Mom too, but she died many years ago when we were still in touch). So I called to offer my condolences. He accepted them politely, but at some point I mentioned my regret that we hadn’t stayed in closer touch over the years. And he let me know in very clear terms that he had chosen not to and wasn’t interested in further contact until I adopted his specific religious beliefs. Which isn’t gonna happen, and, even if it somehow did, I wouldn’t want anything to do with someone who would make that a litmus test for friendship or even association. So that’s a very close friend totally lost to me now, who first chose to reject me and for whom the feeling is now totally mutual. It bums me out when I think about the good times we had into our early 20s, but I’m quite sure I’ve seen and heard the last of him. I’m glad he found something that works for him, but question any system of beliefs that makes you reject everyone you know who doesn’t believe pretty much exactly how you do...
     
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  17. Groovey

    Groovey Senior Stratmaster

    Age:
    58
    Nov 17, 2016
    NC. USA
    Mine just keep passing away.
     

  18. Lonn

    Lonn Mod Admin Staff Member Strat-Talk Supporter

    Admin Post
    I had one good friend in high school but that was 35 years ago. He stayed in London while I joined the Air Force and spent the next 21 years moving around. We did reconnect once I got stationed back in England in the mid 80s but haven't had any real contact since then. It's OK though, he's got his life and I've had mine, it's all good.
     
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  19. s5tuart

    s5tuart My Dad used to say.... Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    73
    Aug 8, 2011
    Bedford, UK
    eeeek! :eek:
     

  20. Groovey

    Groovey Senior Stratmaster

    Age:
    58
    Nov 17, 2016
    NC. USA
    I know. Lightweights