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A couple of funnies

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by ukoldgit, Sep 21, 2020.

  1. ukoldgit

    ukoldgit Most Honored Senior Member

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    PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD
    As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a toss anymore.
    If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
    A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
    A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
    Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, The good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the Eyesight to tell the difference.

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D



    Mahatma Gandhi, as you possibly know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him... a super-callous-ed fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  2. Stratafied

    Stratafied Senior Stratmaster

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    Keep going, you’re on a fill!!!
     
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  3. Bob the builder

    Bob the builder Most Honored Senior Member

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    You hitting the sauce ?
     
  4. Stratafied

    Stratafied Senior Stratmaster

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  5. abnormaltoy

    abnormaltoy Mouth draggin' knuckle breather Silver Member

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    Did the latest issue of Reader's Digest come?
     
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  6. thomquietwolf

    thomquietwolf Dr. Stratster Silver Member

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    Ah yes...
    The quandary of those Else...
    {
    Mother was pregnant 16 times...
    12 made it past BDay #1
    [I'm #7]
    Been Whammed
    Been slammed
    Been Coma-ed violently twice
    Been shot, stabbed, trompled, cuckold, fired, etc
    }
    Me N Sis are left...
    Who's to Spain...
    ===============
    There is by last count
    More solar systems
    Than
    Computer developers can define the number of memory addresses....
    And
    Yet
    We argue
    Tone wood....

    Professor
    PHINEAS J. WHOOPEE

    Start drawing on that blackboard...
    hqdefault.jpg
     
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  7. Stormy Monday

    Stormy Monday Dr. Stratster Silver Member

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    out, out damn spot
    Miss Beatrice,

    The church organist,

    Was in her eighties

    And had never been married. She was admired for her

    sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor

    came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

    sitting room.

    She invited him to have a

    seat while she prepared tea..

    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

    minister noticed a cut glass

    bowl sitting on top of it..

    The bowl was filled with water,

    and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

    When she returned

    With tea and scones, they

    began to chat The pastor

    tried to stifle his curiosity

    About the bowl of water and its

    strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

    'Miss Beatrice', he said,

    'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

    Pointing to the bowl.

    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

    I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

    The directions said

    to place it on the organ,

    keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
     
  8. Baelzebub

    Baelzebub Senior Stratmaster

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    I don't think the joke would get past the moderators...but the punchline is..

    "Son...have you ever seen a bulldog eatin' mayonnaise?"
     
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  9. soulman969

    soulman969 Senior Stratmaster

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    LMAO.....:thumb:
     
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  10. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Senior Stratmaster

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    A favorite from Stephen Wright:

    "Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
     
  11. thomquietwolf

    thomquietwolf Dr. Stratster Silver Member

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    Could you knot
    Could you not
    Hope
    So.....
     
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  12. ukoldgit

    ukoldgit Most Honored Senior Member

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    How could you tell:)
     
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  13. Thrup'ny Bit

    Thrup'ny Bit Grand Master Curmudgeon

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    You've been snorting the Marmite already? It's not 10 o'clock yet...
     
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  14. ukoldgit

    ukoldgit Most Honored Senior Member

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    Put a big dollop of it under your nose, you can spend all day taking a lick of it:D
     
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  15. Thrup'ny Bit

    Thrup'ny Bit Grand Master Curmudgeon

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    EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeewwwww!

    That's gross even by your low standards... :confused::confused::confused:
     
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  16. ukoldgit

    ukoldgit Most Honored Senior Member

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    Confucius he say...........
    Man with broken condom often called Daddy.
    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
    Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
    He was trying to achieve transcend dental medication.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    [​IMG]
     
  17. Thrup'ny Bit

    Thrup'ny Bit Grand Master Curmudgeon

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  18. ukoldgit

    ukoldgit Most Honored Senior Member

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    Ok, just one more especially for you:)

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts ?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
     
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  19. Thrup'ny Bit

    Thrup'ny Bit Grand Master Curmudgeon

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    Hey I resemble that remark... :mad:
     
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  20. Lankytwang

    Lankytwang Strat-Talker

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    Very funny. ...with all the bad news around in the world right now we definitely need more posts like this.
     
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