Friendly divorce and sadness

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by CalicoSkies, Sep 21, 2021.

  1. StratUp

    StratUp Senior Stratmaster

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    Sorry to hear about the cat.
     
  2. Chuck8436

    Chuck8436 Senior Stratmaster

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    I was lucky to keep the cats after the breakup. I wouldn't let her take them. Did you get to keep any pet? Losing pets is very rough
     
  3. Clickitysplit

    Clickitysplit Strat-Talker

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    That feeling sucks, man, but over time it’ll become a smaller and smaller part of your life. Glad you found someone!

    Wrote some lyrics about divorce which I’ll share. Not firsthand experience for me, and in fact I really don’t know where these came from since I’ve been married 32 years now. If you squint you can sorta force-fit these to the tune of Dead Flowers.

    Lines In A Hole:

    Well I felt the Arctic blast
    Of a cold and lonely past
    The day you turned away
    From the love we had amassed

    You said you need your freedom
    From our frigid colosseum
    The warm nights that we had
    Oh how I used to need ‘em

    Your people, my people
    Are out there on the ice
    Got their lines in a hole
    They’re fishin’ for a price

    So little to gain
    But money from our pain
    That’s all that we’ve got left
    Anyway

    Now winter’s come a-callin’
    But wonderland has fallen
    I’m frozen in my tracks
    How I used to come a-crawlin’

    The ice is thin and cracked
    And the water’s cold and black
    I’ve got nothing left to say
    And you’ll never call me back

    Your people, my people
    Are out there on the ice
    Got their lines in a hole
    They’re fishin’ for a price

    So little to gain
    But money from our pain
    That’s all that we’ve got left
    Anyway

    That’s all we’ve got left
    Anyway
     
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  4. thomquietwolf

    thomquietwolf Dr. Stratster Silver Member

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    Here's the kicker
    4 years later
    My
    First Date
    At a Berkley club (Ashkenaz) in my dates car....
    The Ex appeared
    Asks for a ride home
    She'd been abandoned....

    Really

    Sorry it's not my car...
     
  5. Gridlock

    Gridlock Senior Stratmaster Silver Member

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    Hang in there, I’ve been there. Life will get better, new relationships, new experiences, and new adventures await.
     
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  6. Bakelite1

    Bakelite1 Strat-Talker

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    "Heartbreak Hotel" is about depression.

    "The Desk Clerk is dressed in black. He's been so long on lonely street, he's never coming back!"

    It's okay to come back. Welcome!
     
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  7. CalicoSkies

    CalicoSkies Most Honored Senior Member

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    I'm still talking to a therapist (though not as often). For a while I felt down for having a hard time dating & being rejected there, but in the past few weeks, I feel like just the sadness of the divorce has come back.

    I know what you mean about not wanting to fail at something you want to make work. I think part of what makes this hard for me is neither my ex wife nor I were planning to get divorced. We were in a bit of a weird situation with an external factor that was a main reason for the divorce.
    My ex wife was hard on me sometimes though.. And sometimes she could be impatient and have a short temper.. Sometimes I didn't like the way I was treated. My family didn't seem to like her. So I think there were some bad parts to our marriage, and honestly sometimes I wondered if it would be easier if we weren't together.. But we had good times, and I miss those good times.

    I did keep one of our cats. But I still miss our other cat.
     
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  8. Chuck8436

    Chuck8436 Senior Stratmaster

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    Yeah, that's totally understandable. My ex also tried to take one of our cats, but she would've kept her outside. I'm totally against that. I told her that if she kept her outside, she wouldn't last a year. I'm grateful that she caved and let me keep them both without a fight.
     
  9. Baelzebub

    Baelzebub Dr. Stratster

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    I get it. But those good times were already in the past. What came after didn't change them at all, and you still retain them. It's hard not to let the present color that, but it's a glass half empty/half full thing.

    Which means, (even though it does feel like it) it's a choice.

    Most stress has as it's root, feelings that we are not in control of things or events, or trying to control things we have no power over.

    And while it's true we can't control a lot of things, we can always control how we choose to react to, and process them. And that control is absolute. We are the only ones who possess it.

    So really, the only thing to do is make your choices, accept that the good never comes without some bad, and make your peace with all of it. That's how you exert control.

    In the end, there really isn't any other choice. And that will leave you open and available when the right person comes along.

    For me, that was a primary motivation. Those people are rare enough in our lives. It's incalculably sadder to miss one because we're too busy looking behind us.
     
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  10. sam_in_cali

    sam_in_cali Scream for me Strat-Talk! Silver Member

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    My first marriage ended after 7 years. I wasn't crazy about the idea since we had a young daughter but I just found myself being more unhappy than happy and realizing that life is too short to go through it miserable. It took some time to heal from that but one of the positives that I took away is that you kind of get to know yourself and your boundaries and what you will and won't tolerate in your next relationship.

    What's funny is that my ex was all gung-ho for the divorce at the time but now, all these years later, would take me back in a minute if I wanted. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL, lol
     
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  11. amstratnut

    amstratnut Peace thru Music.

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    @CalicoSkies I guess you would rather not be sad but, you obviously need to feel sad sometimes. Its good to talk about it too.

    I guess grief is a process and it can't be rushed.
     
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  12. Willie D

    Willie D Pentatonic Hack

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    I wish divorce was an easier thing to navigate.

    My ex and I were together for 25 years, married for almost 21 when we called it quits. 3 kids were involved. We got married way too young, and neither of us was well-equipped to be spouses or parents. We both carried emotional baggage from generational dysfunction that manifested itself in codependency, unhealthy emotional enmeshment, and near-constant conflict. There was love, there were good times, but there was also a world of pain.

    We did not have a healthy divorce. She actively engaged in Parental Alienation, attempting to get the kids to abandon me like she did. It worked with our oldest, not at all with our youngest, and the one in the middle has had trouble deciding. My ex and I are not on speaking terms. I feel really indifferent about her - I don't wish bad things for her, but I don't go out of my way to wish good things for her either.

    My remarriage is wonderful and healthy. I think it helps that we have both been divorced before and done the hard work of self-reflection and healing.

    Grief is non-linear and operates on its own wildly unpredictable schedule. Be gentle with yourself. But also work honestly on healing your own dysfunctions and toxicities in whatever form that takes. I'm not saying you're dysfunctional or toxic, but we all have these things inside us that we either transcend or allow to drive our behaviors. Intentional compassion for yourself and others is crucial.
     
  13. cranky

    cranky Senior Stratmaster

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    How is she feeling about it all?
     
  14. Cali Dude

    Cali Dude Senior Stratmaster

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  15. SoulSurfer

    SoulSurfer Strat-O-Master

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    I sometimes wonder myself, about the GF's I had over the years. the "what if".... Like, what if I had married Judy or Shirley, instead of Bonnie. Then I immediately come to my senses. We just celebrated 42 years of marriage and 47 years in total together.

    Marriages are DIFFICULT! We had our fair share of ups and downs. We almost separated once and both found that we really, really needed each other in order to survive and thrive. She is my BFF and we know each other more than we even know ourselves.
     
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  16. Stormy Monday

    Stormy Monday Blooze daddy Silver Member

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    I can't use "divorce" and "friendly" in the same conversation
     
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  17. CalicoSkies

    CalicoSkies Most Honored Senior Member

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    My response relates to both of your comments. I know our good times are in the past now, but as far as reacting to it and how she feels about it all, she has said she's sorry about what happened, and she didn't really want to get divorced. It was an external factor that was a main reason for our divorce. A few months ago, my ex asked if I might want to get back together. Honestly in the back of my mind I had wondered about that - but I think I miss the comfort of having someone to come home to, and that we were at a point of being comfortable with each other and sharing our good times together. There were times I wished some things had been easier though. Also, now she lives in another state and I've never really been keen on moving there. Getting back together would be a fairly major thing..

    I think one thing that makes me sad was that we didn't plan to get divorced, and it seems it all happened fairly quick. It feels like my marriage just slipped away..
     
  18. CalicoSkies

    CalicoSkies Most Honored Senior Member

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    I feel like I'm in the minority with having a friendly divorce. Our divorce wasn't really preplanned.
     
  19. StratUp

    StratUp Senior Stratmaster

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    I got to keep the cat because he and I were buds and the Ex knew that. That cat and me went through some rough times together. He was a faithful friend and always had a smile on his face no matter what his own difficulties. Unfortunately I lost him just a couple years ago.

    Meanwhile, don't let people who treated you badly own any of your head. You give away your power that way. And one day you'll be dead and none of any of this will matter to you or anyone else. So why let it matter now? Move ahead of it and move on and do your best to enjoy life as it is. Might be better tomorrow. Or worse. Either way, enjoy whatever you have.
     
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  20. charlie chitlin

    charlie chitlin Strat-O-Master Silver Member

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    It helps to have a beautiful, sweet partner half your age who can't wait to get you in the sack.
    Don't ask how I know.
    That's all you're getting.
     
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