Friendly divorce and sadness

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by CalicoSkies, Sep 21, 2021.

  1. Slacker G

    Slacker G Strat-O-Master

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    I'll forever be grateful for the ones that got away.
     
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  2. Sarnodude

    Sarnodude Most Honored Senior Member

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    That's Car-ma.
     
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  3. Baelzebub

    Baelzebub Dr. Stratster

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    In reply to both those responses, I don't think anyone "plans" a divorce. Unless they're a sociopath to begin with.

    And having worked in family law for many years, even the friendliest of divorces have their friction points. Even if the parties didn't want it, there things that got them to that point, inevitably had some element of conflict.

    It seems like you have different feelings about the speed at which it happened, and the fact that it was friendly, but those are a function of each other.

    Having seen and been involved in a lot of divorces, my observations are that most people would count themselves lucky for both. I can't imagine and wouldn't ask about these eternal factors so I can only state what I've observed.

    I had no emnity towards my ex. I thought she was a good person and deserving of happiness. But it became clear to me that her expectations of me, which she deemed necessary for her happiness, were completely unrealistic. In short, to reach her goals, she married the wrong guy and there was no way to twist myself into something I'm not. So after every effort to find common ground, I gave up knowing I did all I could to make it work. But even the process of divorce resulted in some conflicts. So a quick one without all the drama would have saved me a year of my life and a lot of unneeded stress.

    I know my ex didn't feel I made the correct decision, but the reason I tried everything I could think of before doing it was so that I could move forward. Disappointed, but satisfied that it couldn't be done.

    But it just sounds like neither of you, for whatever reason, are sure you made the right decision. Until you've actually decided whether that's ended it's sort of unfair to that nice gal, if she's looking forward and you're not. That was my only point really.

    And until you do you'll keep going back and forth, up and down, on that rollercoaster. Many times, it's less important if the decision you make is the right one, that it is to just have the finality of making one.
     
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  4. CalicoSkies

    CalicoSkies Most Honored Senior Member

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    When I said we didn't plan for a divorce, what I meant was we didn't expect to have to divorce. She brought it up as the (seemingly) only way to resolve some issues related to the external factor. I couldn't think of another solution either.
    At the same time, there were points in our marriage when I wondered if we were the best people for each other.. Although we had our good times, sometimes I didn't like the way I was treated. I've thought maybe the divorce is for the best, but the mourning of the loss is still hard.

    The new lady I'm seeing now is really nice. I haven't seen any red flags with her. In contrast, there were some things I noticed with my ex wife when we were dating that seemed like little red flags, but I didn't think there would be a big deal with anything..
     
  5. Dadocaster

    Dadocaster Dr. Stratster

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    You bug me, but I can quote this as a really accurate take on these issues.

    Well done.
     
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  6. Baelzebub

    Baelzebub Dr. Stratster

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    Well...that's all I got.

    All I can do at this point is ask (rhetorically) the question you should be asking yourself, which is:

    "How's that workin' out for ya?"

    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
     
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  7. Bob the builder

    Bob the builder Most Honored Senior Member

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    Want something to look forward to?
    Been divorced for a few years now
    Happiest I've been since my 20's
     
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  8. madmtnmotors

    madmtnmotors Just Blundering My Way Through

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    Grief over a loss is forever, although time often has a way of tempering it to manageable levels. Focus on the parts of your situation that have improved.

    I'm reminded of a simple folk/country ballad, part of which went:

    "My wife done left me...
    and ran off with my best friend...
    I'm sure gonna miss him..."

    :eek: :D
     
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  9. Archtops

    Archtops Strat-Talker

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    Depression is insidious. Get some help to find the real you again. Best of luck!
     
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  10. JB74

    JB74 Senior Stratmaster

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    I feel that I would only have harsh things to say about your lack of emotional distancing.

    you need to make a clean break, own any mistakes you made and move on.

    She is not your emotional tug-of-war or support line nor are you hers.

    Stop communicating with her and focus on your future.

    If you don't, you're going to absolutely ruin the relationship you currently have.
     
  11. soulman969

    soulman969 Senior Stratmaster

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    That's very likely. Letting go and dealing with the grief isn't a linear process. It's more like wheel that rocks forward in time then back in time until all of the steps are finally worked through.

    I did not have a pleasant divorce at all. My ex chose to make it very messy and complex enough that we ended up in court. And even when I tried to move on with another she found ways to interfere.

    But despite that it's not possible to forget all that you once had together and the better times before the split. It can take a long time to process through all of that in years not months.
     
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  12. Stratafied

    Stratafied Most Honored Senior Member

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    She looks Foxy !!
     
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