Going to see a former bandmate in hospice soon.

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by amstratnut, Aug 1, 2020.

  1. amstratnut

    amstratnut Peace thru Music. Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    19,174
    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2009
    Location:
    My house.
    What to say?

    My jokes are bound to fall flat. My foot is sure to find its way to my mouth, or my mouth just wont work.

    Im going under the assumption that just showing up matters. But, I gotta say I wasnt expecting this.

    Good luck, Amstratnut, you will need it.
     
  2. Seamus OReally

    Seamus OReally Senior Stratmaster Silver Member

    Age:
    64
    Messages:
    2,541
    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2019
    Location:
    Santa Rosa, CA
    Just showing up matters. You’re doing good.
     
    3bolt79, artisan4, Keith268 and 7 others like this.
  3. Dadocaster

    Dadocaster Dr. Stratster Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    19,371
    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2015
    Location:
    Sachse TX behind the cemetary
    I find you thoughtful, decent, and friendly. You will do fine and your friend will appreciate it.
     
  4. Stormy Monday

    Stormy Monday Dr. Stratster Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    12,193
    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2011
    Location:
    out, out damn spot
    you'll do ok. Showing up is what matters
     
  5. stratnutz

    stratnutz Senior Stratmaster

    Age:
    64
    Messages:
    3,296
    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2011
    Location:
    Gar-land TX
    Showing up does matter. It matters in a huge way.
     
  6. Triple Jim

    Triple Jim Most Honored Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,678
    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2018
    Location:
    North Central North Carolina
    The situation sucks, but just imagine how it would feel to be on the other end. Your visit is probably welcome, and just being there and treating the person normally will brighten his or her day. If your visit is not so welcome, you'll know pretty quickly and can excuse yourself.

    I mention the not welcome part because in my experience some people in that situation just don't like visitors, so if that's the case, don't take it personally. My mother was that way.

    Good luck and enjoy the chance to spend time with your old friend.
     
  7. archetype

    archetype Senior Stratmaster

    Messages:
    2,051
    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2016
    Location:
    Williamsville NY
    My late wife did her hospice at home and visits from friends were important.

    Show up. Leave your anxiety at the door and your awkwardness will fade away. Be real, be honest, and be supportive. Be who you are, because that's the best thing you can bring.
     
  8. xland

    xland Senior Stratmaster

    Age:
    51
    Messages:
    2,849
    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2014
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    I have no doubt that making an appearance will be good for your friend. You will be fine and he will appreciate seeing you.
     
  9. circles

    circles Resident Pinball Enthusiast Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    19,740
    Joined:
    May 26, 2013
    Location:
    West Seattle, Washington
    Pause, take a breath, and step in. Make small talk if you want. Or say that one thing you've never been able to before cause there's no time left. It's good he at least has some friends.
     
  10. thomquietwolf

    thomquietwolf Dr. Stratster Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    79
    Messages:
    14,140
    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2010
    Location:
    Peardale CA
  11. BlurgyWurgyWibble

    BlurgyWurgyWibble Strat-Talker

    Messages:
    441
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Location:
    UKEH
    I learned surprisingly recently that remembering not to talk about yourself, or try to relate what they are going through to some aspect of your own life (which is human and shows empathy but often comes accross as conceited, even with the best intentions) is a good point of order. The other thing would be something I would advise, even though its very hard when faced with someone who is frustrated or very troubled, is to avoid echoing or falling in to escalating their negativity, even if all you get back is a wall of negativity. All seems obvious but I've screwed that up more times than I can count and lost some good friends over the years (some literally sadly).

    I think it takes a lot more courage to face down someone else's suffering/mortality than it does your own. So huge respect.

    Also take a gift and not some cheap $5 crap. :thumb:
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
    bbarott, 3bolt79, abnormaltoy and 5 others like this.
  12. Impulsive guppy

    Impulsive guppy Strat-Talker

    Age:
    54
    Messages:
    161
    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2020
    Location:
    Springfield
    Bring something light to talk about, like some old photos of you together or music.

    For myself, I build it up too much in my mind, but once I'm there it doesn't seem like a big deal.
     
    abnormaltoy and circles like this.
  13. nadzab

    nadzab Play Don't Worry Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    52
    Messages:
    3,854
    Joined:
    May 15, 2009
    Location:
    The Great State of Maine
    Sorry to hear about this. I'm not very good in those situations - the best thing to do, in my experience, is just be yourself - you're friends for a reason, and that's probably enough. Doesn't sound very helpful as I read it back to myself, but it's the best I got.

    My sympathy to your friend - I hope the remainder of his journey is as peaceful as possible.
     
  14. soulman969

    soulman969 Strat-O-Master

    Messages:
    812
    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2016
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    That's a tough one so just being there is a statement in itself.

    Went through it three years ago with a former co-worker, softball teammate, and someone close enough to be a brother I never had. Had to travel from CO back to WI to see him.

    We just talked about old times at work when we were young and foolish, golf, chasing women together, and replaying dozens of softball games over each trying to remind the other of what we'd forgotten. LOL

    Hey, you're gonna be there for him and show him that in your life he still matters to you. It'll be appreciated and I can promise you it will be harder on you than you can imagine but you'll be very glad you did it. Far more so than if you avoid doing it.

    I miss Tom but I still have all of those memories we dug up. Even those at the end. It'll be good. That much I know.
     
    3bolt79, abnormaltoy and amstratnut like this.
  15. 33db

    33db Senior Stratmaster

    Messages:
    2,469
    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2018
    Location:
    Earth
    Just show up, a lot of people won't because they are uncomfortable with the situation (which is understandable), the only other thing I would add is sometimes people in that position haven't had a thing they like in a long time, maybe call the hospice see what you can bring... it's just icing on the cake of showing up.
     
    3bolt79, abnormaltoy and amstratnut like this.
  16. Groovey

    Groovey Most Honored Senior Member Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    8,880
    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2016
    Location:
    WV. USA
    Play some guitar.

    I did this for my dad. He came about and asked if he was in heaven. I was playing country/hillbilly music. I had to answer no dad sorry to say your still here with me, your son. He said that was ok.

    We finished the visit. He passed about 2am the following. Worth every bar to play the songs.
     
  17. amstratnut

    amstratnut Peace thru Music. Strat-Talk Supporter

    Messages:
    19,174
    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2009
    Location:
    My house.
    I went and it was equally really nice and unbelievably hard.

    He was pretty medicated so thete wasnt a lot of great conversation.

    His wife said he would be more alert in the morning so, the whole band will try to see him tomorrow. We will try to watch a you tube video of a gig we did.
     
    bbarott, 3bolt79, Keith268 and 12 others like this.
  18. soulman969

    soulman969 Strat-O-Master

    Messages:
    812
    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2016
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    And God bless you for doing this.

    We're all gonna meet in Rock n' Roll Heaven some day so we may as well keep our relationships intact and the guitars tuned up. :D
     
    3bolt79, abnormaltoy and nadzab like this.
  19. nadzab

    nadzab Play Don't Worry Strat-Talk Supporter

    Age:
    52
    Messages:
    3,854
    Joined:
    May 15, 2009
    Location:
    The Great State of Maine
    You're making my eyes well up. What a great son.
     
    abnormaltoy, JamesE and soulman969 like this.
  20. SoulSurfer

    SoulSurfer Strat-Talker

    Messages:
    160
    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Location:
    Toronto, ON Canada
    When I had cancer, I was lucky. It didn’t get to “that” level. I just remember how I felt - hating the world and worried sick for my family. My closest friends would ask “what can I do to help?”. I wanted to scream - “FIND ME A CURE!!!”, but that wasn’t a good idea. In the end, I realized that my REAL friends would show up and say, “hey, let’s get out of here and go grab a coffee down the street , for a change of scenery”.

    Showing up is the MOST important thing. Don’t dwell on your friends situation, but rather offer up a good story from your past, or bring a baked good. It shows you care enough to make them feel “normal” during this difficult time.