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Mad at the Dead

Discussion in 'Sidewinders Bar & Grille' started by artisan4, Nov 27, 2019.

  1. artisan4

    artisan4 Strat-Talker

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    No, not the Grateful Dead.

    My wife died in 2014 of cancer and I'm finding that I am going through a period where I'm mad at her for her rage problem and mad at myself for not standing up to her (as in, I am not your punching bag because you are angry that you were abused but taking it out on me unconsciously, instead of going to a therapist to process it).

    I mentioned this to my dad and he said, well, you're winning every argument, aren't you?

    I wondered if anyone else had gone through this frustration that you can't discuss something with someone who has passed.
     
  2. Will Lefeurve

    Will Lefeurve Most Honored Senior Member

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    Any loss, whether that be a long term relationship break-up, or a death will result in patterns of grief/guilt that can go on for many years. Its normal, not nice, but normal. Anger is one of the last stages if I remember correctly.

    I feel forgiveness is the key to healing. Forgive and forget wasn't an expression plucked out of thin air. Forgive your wife for her rage, and forgive yourself too. No good comes of picking at a sore wound years on. Let it go, its necessary for you to have any real future happiness..
     
  3. circles

    circles Resident Pinball Enthusiast Strat-Talk Supporter

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    Only my fathers' passing this Spring (cancer as well). There were some things left unsaid, or maybe not thanked for, or addressed, that were too hard to bring up, from both of us.

    For instance I only found out after he died that he deeply regretted moving us around a lot; had we discussed it I would have known and told him that was one of the greatest gifts ever, to move around and see a lot of the world.
     
  4. Bodean

    Bodean Just A Simple Man Strat-Talk Supporter

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    Try to remember the good times, and forgive the bad.
     
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  5. sgarnett

    sgarnett Strat-O-Master

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    My wife died of cancer in 2012 after eight years of treatment. Pain, chemo, and radiation can all have personality-altering effects. Remember her for who she was when you married her.
     
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  6. The Strat Dude

    The Strat Dude Sticker bushes and Posy rules! Strat-Talk Supporter

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    Sorry about your situation. I think being mad at her is really you being mad at yourself, you must forgive her and yourself to move on. Feel your emotions understand them and out loud say the words that need to be said.
    Excuse me while I now go follow my own as advice.
     
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  7. Guy Named Sue

    Guy Named Sue Still haven't been canceled yet, working on it Strat-Talk Supporter

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    It is time to stop the resentment. Resentment of yourself and of her, that won't do you any good. You have to love yourself and love her despite all said and done. You stood by her I assume, through her illness and comforted her when she was dying? There's is love there. And yes I know, hate is often greater than love, but love is still there and kicking and doing everything in its power to win over hatred and resentment.

    Have faith in yourself just as you have faith in the ocean when you let go and swim.

    "So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself." Alan Watts
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2019
  8. Guy Named Sue

    Guy Named Sue Still haven't been canceled yet, working on it Strat-Talk Supporter

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    That is true. One of the saddest things is that often people remake that to their own liking and say to themselves, you must forgive but never forget.

    Without ever realizing that's the ego talking, the ego grasping hold of what's left of resentment because that gives power to the ego. You can't do one and not the other. If you don't forget, have you really forgiven the person? You still harbor ill feelings, nothing has changed.
     
  9. montemerrick

    montemerrick Listening to something, that’s for sure Strat-Talk Supporter

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    often it seems life is all about getting complete about how incomplete things are...
     
  10. 3bolt79

    3bolt79 Senior Stratmaster

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    I understand. My sister died 5 years ago and I still am processing it. I am mad at her for destroying herself with drugs. But it did get a chance to tell her I loved her he day before she died, for good. I founder dead on the toilet three weeks before, and I resuscitated her. I was mad at her for putting me through that, and the fact that she came to my house and shot up in the bathroom. But I am not so mad anymore. I’ve forgiven her. But I can’t forget. Sorry for your loss. It will get better, someday.
     
  11. ido1957

    ido1957 Senior Stratmaster

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    You are entitled to your feelings. Talk about it, get it out. It's therapeutic.
    I wasn't a big fan of my father. We argued about the same things every time I visited him.
    I didn't visit often. I still feel the same and he's been dead 2 years. I doubt that my feelings will ever change.
    I don't feel guilty at all.
     
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  12. aiabx

    aiabx Strat-O-Master

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    Both of my parents died of lung cancer. It took me a long time to get over being mad at them for their lifelong smoking habits. I think I'm over it now, but I still have a problem with irrational anger welling up when I find out that people I like smoke.
     
  13. clydethecat

    clydethecat Strat-Talker

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    Yes, I have unsettled issues with most of my dead kin.
     
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  14. dogletnoir

    dogletnoir V----V Strat-Talk Supporter

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    i have tried to settle issues with most of my undead kin.
     
  15. Tuner Sandwich

    Tuner Sandwich Strat-Talker

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    I think it is okay, to work out some things, conquer some thoughts and feelings, and work your way thru it and find peace with it.

    Life is hard and death, hardest on the living.
     
  16. sgarnett

    sgarnett Strat-O-Master

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    One day, while my wife was still alive but dying in slow motion, I realized that there was anger bottled up inside with no target, anger I could never express. It WILL find a way out though. For me, it came out as a road rage incident. I almost caused an accident by being a reckless, aggressive ass. That was a wake-up call that it was time to deal with it.

    The rest of the details for me don’t matter. Everyone’s situation is different. The point is, whatever steps you are thinking about to deal with it, the answer is yes.
     
  17. fezz parka

    fezz parka Strat-Talk Supporter

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    After a lifetime of loss starting with my mother at 4 and my father at 14...you just gotta let it go. Or be miserable. The choice...is yours. :)


     
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  18. dbolt

    dbolt Strat-O-Master Strat-Talk Supporter

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    Hurt will stay with you as long as you let it. Forever if you let it. Better to remember the highlights. For your own well-being.
     
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  19. amstratnut

    amstratnut Peace thru Music. Strat-Talk Supporter

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    Im a subscriber to the old but, in my opinion, true idea that its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Take your lumps. Shed your tears. Then try to remember the good times. Find a healthy relationship. They do exist.

    Good luck.
     
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  20. abnormaltoy

    abnormaltoy Mouth breathin' knuckle dragger Strat-Talk Supporter

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    My wife got hit by a train, there was no gradual passing...no time to adjust, personally I just went into Daddy mode to make sure my daughter got out of it all right. In my case any unresolved issues had to be packed away, from time to time something pops up and I deal with it then.

    Forgiveness is a powerful tool. And it usually benefits the person forgiving much more than the person being forgiven.
     
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